I grew up watching shows like Friends and Sex in the City imagining my 20s where I would be living in the “Big City” with an incredible apartment constantly filled with my friends and their crazy antics. I imagined a life where I was constantly surrounded by people who I could lean on to get me through the highs and lows of life just like Rachel as she was trying to make it on her own. I wrongly assumed that all my friends would live in my same apartment building when in reality they live all over the country and I have come to realize that the technology glaringly absent from early 2000s shows often leads me to feeling more isolated than connected.
My generation is navigating our 20s in an entirely different playing field from the characters we watched as kids where those of us who frequently work from home and don’t have our 5 best friends living in the same city can feel isolated. Sex in the City never covered an entire weekend where Carrie sat in her apartment alone but that’s the reality of many single career-oriented woman these days. While every friend is just a text away, the next time they’re free may be several weeks away. When I think about my circle of friends, most of who are now also coworkers, they live in every time zone thanks to remote work. And while that gives me a plethora of vacation options, I miss out on having a friend show up for a grandparent’s funeral or go see a comedy show with me. The social media influencers of today’s world never mention that living in the “Big City” can also be very lonely. My travel lifestyle gives me extremes in both directions, I ride the high of being immersed with friends who feel more like family on the road from the moment I wake up until my hotel door shuts for the night and then after a day or two at home recovering, I begin to dip into a low if I don’t make plans and leave my home.
The biggest reason your 20s can feel so lonely (which nobody tells you) is because it’s also a time to find the friends who are aligned to you while beginning to let go of the ones who have lost the bond that once connected you as young adults. I know the hobbies and relationship statuses of people I haven’t talked to in a decade but wouldn’t consider any of them a friend. When I graduated college all of my friends were in the same phase of life, moving to new cities to start new jobs but 5 years have passed, and I sometimes feel I was unprepared for how much change happens in those 5 years after college. I have friends who are homeowners, wives, and mothers. I have friends with advanced degrees, friends who have switched careers or moved to new places and friends who are still trying to figure out their way. I feel misled by the wild and carefree 20s portrayed on TV when in actuality this decade feels more like a continuous grieving period of former friendships as I come to accept that many of my friendships have changed. This is a time where we are encouraged to be selfish on a variety of priorities from building a career to starting a family (and for women those are two separate tracks) or trying out a brand-new city and in that process, friendships are often lost.
As I watch more of my friends hit their next life milestone, concerns of being left behind bubble up. I often think the path I find myself on no longer aligns to many others. I feel childish for still gripping onto a lifestyle that will no longer exist for my married friends who now have less time for the activities I’m not willing to give up. At times I worry I’m a hypocrite. While I’m not ready to lose my freedom to city hop, my Saturday’s binge-watching TV while making friendship bracelets with my best friend or my weekend girl’s trips, I crave the companionship of a partner to be my plus one and eat dinner with. As I work through these conflicting emotions, Cindy continues to remind me that couples can still experience loneliness. But the advice I’ve taken most to heart is her often reminder that friendships are like a continuous bus ride and while some may disembark forever, others eventually find their way back on board and a few stay on for the long haul. Over the last 5 years post-college I have seen several people filter through my bus and while several have gotten off (for now), some very special new ones have gotten on. I find this analogy to be the easiest way to manage all the change that happens in this happy, free, confused and lonely decade (it’s not just at 22).
